


Bury A Friend

by tess_genor



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Buried Alive, Canon Divergence - Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Canon Divergence - Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, HYDRA Trash Party, Hydra (Marvel), Self-Harm, Stark Tower, Suicide Attempt, billie eilish - Freeform, no happy ending, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-29
Updated: 2019-04-29
Packaged: 2020-02-09 15:54:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,978
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18641287
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tess_genor/pseuds/tess_genor
Summary: Inspired and heavily borrows from Billie Eilish's song Bury a Friend. I highly recommend hearing the song before reading.Major trigger warnings ahead I'm serious.As Steve tries to come to grips with getting his friend back Bucky struggles to accept what he used to be. Tony tries his best to help, but Bucky might just be beyond repair.National Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255Please remember you are not alone. There are people who care for you.





	Bury A Friend

He’s almost free. He’s never gotten this close to the exit before, he’s almost surprised when the alarms start to blare. The hallways are different from what he remembers, but nevertheless he can find the exit. Just as he gets to the lobby he hears a word that stops him cold in his tracks. “Bucky…”

Bucky’s head immediately clears and his legs freeze. Steve is calling to him. He’s not in the Hydra facility anymore. He’s _home_ , in the Stark Tower. Bucky realizes that he must’ve had another nightmare that triggered him. Since he had agreed to therapy, memories have been flooding him in his dreams. Taking away the only comfort he’s ever had: sleep.

”Come here.” Steve’s trying to be gentle but Bucky is fed up with it. With every step closer to the man that still believes in him, the man that still views him as the golden boy he used to be, Bucky’s anger grows. He didn’t ask for any of this. Not the brainwashing, not a second chance, and certainly not the pity from Steve.

”Steve, save your breath. What’re you doing down here? Just leave me alone! I’m not asking you to be here for me or to help me.” Bucky surprises himself. He’s never spoken to Steve like that before. Steve’s hand that was reaching out as an olive branch drops slower than his face. “I just don’t understand one thing, Steve. Why are you doing all of this? You were fine before I came back. I’m broken and dangerous, yet you still care for me.” Bucky’s eyes glisten with tears bright enough to match the glistening metal of his left arm.

”You cared for me all the time when I was sick, Buck. It’s only fair I care for you now-” Steve trails off when he sees Bucky cover his face and bend over. The noise that comes from Bucky’s throat is raspy and higher pitched than expected. It’s a sound of frustration and despair. “Steve, you don’t get it. This isn’t Brooklyn in the thirties anymore. You’re not weak and I’m not an angel. I’m a threat to society, and before you say that I’m not, the governments of 56 countries, including America, have named me a war criminal. The person who’s done the most good so far is Stark for somehow agreeing to your crazy idea of me living here.”

”What about me?” Stark’s arrival isn’t unexpected. He’s the only person who could reset the alarms. It’s only now that Steve and Bucky realize that the alarms are going off throughout the whole tower and that Bucky’s nightmare woke everyone up. “I was telling Steve to shove off. I’m fine, Stark.” Bucky is still curled in on himself, voice still muffled by his hands. Stark rolls his eyes and taps Barnes on the back to get his attention.

Barnes shifts his weight to floor and dramatically sits cross legged, earning another eye roll. “Now that’s not anyway to treat the man providing you haven.” Stark knows that a cornered animal attacks and is trying to give Barnes the room he needs to feel like he’s in control. “So, what were you saying about me?”

”He was saying that between the three of us, you’ve done the most good, Tony. Agreeing to supervise Bucky’s progress, housing him here. It’s very generous of you.” It didn’t take a genius to know that Rogers was being more sarcastic than grateful. “Oh Cap, c’mon. That’s low, especially for you. Do you know how much I’m putting my ass on the line by having Barnes here? How much money I’m pouring out of my pocket to hire the best lawyers, therapists, doctors? Putting your and his needs before my own? Do you have any idea what type of labor this is for me? What it feels like to have someone with his reputation as my responsibility?” As Tony’s voice grows louder Steves jaw tenses more and Bucky’s head looks further down. Something snaps in Bucky though, as if Stark’s word cause a wound that Bucky was too scared to open himself.

”Do you know what it felt like to feel someone’s life end under your own hand? You want to talk about labor and trauma? Come back to me in seventy years.” Bucky angrily jumps to his feet and pushes past the two men who tried to come to his aid. “Hey, I wasn’t done talking to you!” Stark yells to the back of Barnes’ head. “Yeah? Well, I’m done being alive!” Bucky rounds the corner, not bothering to wait for a response.

\---------

Steve can’t help but be in shock. Bucky had lied to him? He had said that therapy was helping, that he was doing better. Yet, here was Bucky, lying on his bed, the plates of his left arm all out of place. Steve knew that HYDRA had programed Bucky’s arm to release a neurotoxin into his bloodstream if tampered with. And Bucky had royally fucked with the arm. Thankfully Stark, again ever the hero, had created a counter drug in a similar dispensing style to an EpiPen. Steve carefully injected his best friend and nervously awaited any sign of waking. When Bucky finally came to he woke up crying. “Why won’t you let me end me, Steve? Why can’t you do me a favor and let me have this? I can’t live like this anymore. I don’t want to live like this anymore.” Steve knows that he’ll never be able to get back his best friend.

Bucky sits up and pushes the interlocking metal back into place. “Let me get some sleep.” His voice still groggy from the toxins roaming his body. Steve gently pulls the covers over Bucky and exits the room. It finally hits Steve that he may not be able to save the one person that means the most to him.

\--------

Bucky can feel the sting of Pierce’s slap. He’s let down his handler. He knows that there are worse consequences to follow, but doesn’t expect them to come as quickly as Pierce’s next words: _Wipe him, then start over_. Bucky can never remember what happens after those words but knows that it’s something he fears. He accepts the mouthguard, that’s one lesson he learned quickly, any piece of gear they give him he should take, being difficult only makes things worse. As he leans back and the metal settles over his eyes he remembers, but now it’s too late. Not that he could have done anything to stop it anyway. The electricity invades every part of him, body and mind. Images flash before his eyes, snow capped mountains in Europe, a water tower in Dallas, a familiar face along a wooded path.

When the pain finally stops and the black fades from his eyes, Bucky sits up, waiting direction. When his focus centers on the older blonde man in front of him it’s obvious he is in charge, not only for Bucky but for everyone else in the room. Bucky doesn’t mind listening to this man though. He looks so familiar, what you think of when you think of a pure red blooded American; blonde hair, blue eyes, good looks, dignified. This man had it all. This man has something familiar and comforting about him, Bucky would listen to this man.

Bucky wakes up with a start. His nightmares had never been about recent events before. As he tries to put his dream in order he’s once again reminded that Stark’s an orphan because of him. He killed Stark’s parents. Not to mention the other deeds he’s notorious for. But Stark agreed to let him live under his care. He gets out of bed and instructs J.A.R.V.I.S. not to alert anyone, he’s just going for a walk. J.A.R.V.I.S. responds that he is allowed to give Barnes thirty minutes of leeway time, but then Mr. Stark and Captain Rogers will both be notified of Barnes’ sudden departure. Shrugging, thirty minutes is more than enough time, Bucky stuffs a change of clothes and a bit of cash into his backpack. All he needed is in there anyway. He knows that Steve and Stark will check his room once J.A.R.V.I.S. rings them so he decides to leave a note for Steve.

\---------

_Steve, I’m sorry I kept you in the dark about my progress, or lack thereof. But we both know you would’ve been beside yourself and I couldn’t cause you, or Stark, any more pain. I’m grateful for Stark helping me, but I’m not his responsibility, I never should’ve been. He’s right Steve, I’m too much of a burden and too expensive to be his responsibility. I need to be on my own again for a while. I’ll meet you in Central park Wednesday night. Next to the zoo. If you don’t show then I know that you and Stark came to the right conclusion, I’m no good. If you do show up though, we can talk some things out, but right now I need to be alone. I’ll (possibly) see you in four days. Don’t worry to much about me. I can take care of myself. Bucky._

\---------

Steve gets to the park around 5:30 unsure as to what Bucky qualifies as night. Steve decides that while he’s waiting for Bucky to show he might as well try to take his mind off of everything that’s been going on by taking photos with fans, getting an early dinner,and then walking around the zoo to see the animals. After a while, Steve’s mind too far gone for him to actually notice what he’s saying to fans and what animals he’s seeing. He moves to a small grove of trees, it’s far enough away from civilians that if he and Bucky really get into it, no one will notice. Steve moves to sit at the park bench, crosses his arms, and rests his head on the table. He’s worried.

”I’m going to guess that you and Stark didn’t talk this through at all?” Bucky’s voice is far too calm and collected for the conversation that’s about to come. “Actually, I did talk to him, but he sided with me. You can’t live on your own. You need people who can help you.” Steve’s words make sense but Bucky doesn’t care to hear reason right now. “By help you mean constant surveillance and security? That’s not how I want to live now, Steve. I’ve been through that before, I want my life to be mine, make my own decisions. I didn’t get to make my own life choices when I was the Asset for Hydra.” Bucky moves to sit across from Steve. It feels so impersonal, like a business transaction.

”Buck, that’s not something you can just freely talk about in public.” Steve’s whisper is harsh on Bucky’s ears. “Stark, me, all of the other Avengers, we’re all trying to change your public image-” Bucky’s laugh causes Steve to shut up. “You honestly think you’ll ever be able to change my image Steve? I can’t change what I did. We don’t have some magic object to turn back time. I’m no shining star of the height of American ideals like you. The only star I’ll ever have is the one on my arm.” Steve’s head just sags, he knows Bucky is right, but can’t bring himself to think that there aren’t other option for him. Steve’s next sentence catches Bucky off guard, “Your wrong you know, you do have another star. You have a Gold Star Lapel Button, Buck. They gave it to your sister after you fell and were presumed dead.” Steve’s attempt to make Bucky feel better fails.

”Steve that’s exactly what I’m trying to say! I’m not dead. Neither are you! It’s a miracle of science that you’re alive and an abomination that I still am. We both should’ve been dead by now.” Bucky’s voice is monotone but his expression is grim. Church bells go off in the distance, snapping the two men back to reality. Steve, never one for awkward situations, attempts small talk. “At least they still ring those bells.” Bucky shakes his head, causing his hair to swing loose. “You really fit the whole Irish Catholic mold, Steve, always did. Your mom would be proud.” Steve gives a half smile, “Yeah, but she was more proud of you. You were an alter boy.” At the recall of this distance memory Bucky looks down. “I don’t believe in God anymore, Steve. Haven’t for a long time now. And before you lecture me, you need to hear me out. For years I was pushed to the edge of death and then brought back. They would freeze me alive to slow the ageing process and stop my heart. There’s no God. How could there be with such evil in the world?” Bucky unconsciously crosses his arms. “Do you know what happens when I fall asleep, Steve? Where my mind takes me? I go back and relive all that they did to me.” Bucky sighs as he mentally prepares himself for the story he’s about to tell. “There was one time, early on into the training, I told them I wanted out, that I didn’t want to do it anymore. They put me on ice with my eyes open. They nearly blinded me. When the scientists came in they had a fit, can’t be a sniper without sight, and pulled me back out and thankfully, I wasn’t in long enough to cause any damage. The quick succession of freezing and then unfreezing undid months worth of work on me though. I was thrilled until I realized I had to go through all of it again. I couldn’t say no to them, because whatever they wanted me to do wasn’t nearly as bad as what they were going to do to me. They made me think I didn’t have a choice, but I probably did. If I would’ve stood my ground more, sure I’d be dead, but hundreds more would be alive.”

”You did what you needed to survive, Bucky. I don’t blame you.” Steve reaches across the table and places his hand on Bucky’s left arm. “Come back to the tower, Buck. I can give you more space if that’s what you need. I just don’t like the idea of you out here on your own.” Bucky knows Steve means well, but it’s almost like Steve didn’t hear a word he just said. “You know I can’t say no to you, Steve.”

\----------

Back at the Stark Tower, Tony seemed relieved that the assassin was back somewhere he could control. He didn’t know the conversation that went on between the two old friends, but judging from Bucky’s clenched fists and Steve’s more than usual upright posture it could not have gone well. 

”If you don’t mind, Stark, I’d like if J.A.R.V.I.S. could limit visitors to my room. I need to work through things. Alone.” Bucky’s last statement was directed very clearly at Steve, who just looked away in disbelief. Tony gave Bucky an nod of approval much to Steve’s dismay.

”You’re really just going to let him isolate himself?” Steve’s frustration is now aimed at Tony.

”You really don’t get it do you?” Bucky finally reaching his breaking point walks right up to Steve. Their faces inches apart, anger seizing their lungs making their breathes shaky and voices sharp. “I can _hear_ you talking about me like I’m not here. I get a say over my life now stop trying to take that away from me!” Steve lashes out and pushes Bucky backwards. “I’ll stop when you stop trying to take your life!” The two soldier stare at each other. Neither willing to apologize and neither ready to admit they were wrong.

”On that note. J.A.R.V.I.S. would you be so kind as to disable Sergeant Barnes’ quarters from receiving guests unless either I or him override it?” Tony is done dealing with them bickering like this. Especially over Barnes’ mental health and recovery process.

”Thank you, Stark. I’m going to my room now since both of you seem to want me grounded. Don’t come to talk to me.” With those words Bucky turns to the elevator and heads straight for his room.

Steve looks at Tony who slowly shakes his head meaning not to talk to him either. Tony too heads for the elevator, most likely to start arranging the next round of therapy for Bucky.

\----------

It’s a little past three when Tony wakes to an urgent message from J.A.R.V.I.S., “Sir, Sergeant Barnes need immediate attention. He disabled A/V and I have no way to monitor him right now.” That immediately clears all sleep from Tony’s brain as he runs down the four flights of stairs to Barnes’ floor. Tony yells down the hall for J.A.R.V.I.S. to override the guest ban from Barnes’ room. He makes a mental note to have Rogers woken up once he reaches Bucky’s room. Tony was not prepared for the scene in Bucky’s quarters.

”Jesus… Christ.” As Tony surveys the room he sees that all the shades are drawn, minus one that’s moving in a breeze. Tony pulls back the curtain to see the metal frame with ten dimples. Barnes must have tried to override the safety precautions and open the window himself. The desk that Barnes uses to journal was flipped. The pages of Bucky’s journals torn and scattered. Tony tries not to look but the pages call to him. They’re unorderly. Scribbles of the various crimes Barnes committed as well as words scratched into pages and underlined. It’s the journal of a mad man. Tony moves to where he hears sounds coming from, the bedroom.

Inside the room the bed frame is deconstructed and the mattress is on the floor in a corner. It’s completely bare save for one pillow and blanket. Tony knew Barnes wasn’t using Stark’s wealth to his advantage but didn’t expect the room to be furnished like a safe house. Further into the bedroom is the door to the bathroom. Tony hears running water and even a trickle of water on the tile floor.

”J.A.R.V.I.S. call medical immediately and tell them they need to get here now. Once they arrive wake up Captain Rogers and get him in here. He’s the only one who can lift Barnes.” The fear in Tony’s voice is only confirmed when he opens the bathroom door. Tony can hear J.A.R.V.I.S. say right away sir but it doesn’t register. The water in the tub is red.

”I’m gonna resurrect this kid just so I can kill him myself. I haven’t had enough coffee for this yet.” Stark mumbles under his breath. Ever grateful to Dr. Helen Cho for her cradle Tony pulls the modified version from his robe and begins to close Bucky’s wounds.

”Tony EMS is here what do you ne-” Steve is in the door frame and drops to his knees. “Oh my God. Bucky.

”Now’s not the time for this Rogers. Go into his room and grab his sweats. Find a bag and pack it for him. Then go and get me a glass of water.” Tony’s voice is flat but urgent and Steve is thankful to have something to do. Tony shuts off the faucet and continues to add layers of skin back to Barnes’ wrists, watching the color slowly return to the man’s face. Stark does his best to prop Barnes up and quickly hose down the tub.

”Steve come in here. I’ve toweled him off. Put the sweats on and carry him to the elevator and to the ambulance at the loading dock.” Tony steps back to allow the captain to care for his friend. He moves to leave, but instead watches Steve cradle Bucky’s head.

”He needs more than I can provide, Cap. Don’t tell me I’m wrong. We both know that Hydra pulled out all the humanity from Barnes and you trying to force feed it back to him is not what he needed. You need to figure out what’s more important here: What you want or what he needs. I’m going to deal with the press, you go with him to the hospital. I need an answer when you return.” Tony hears Steve choke back a sob as he exits the room.

\----------

Bucky hears the the soft click of sniper rifle. Feels the kickback from the bazooka on the bridge. He counts the six _tick ticks_ of his hand gun. He hears something that’s not from any of his weapons. It’s the heart monitor attached to him. He failed. He is alive. He is in the hospital. He begins to cry.

”Steve,” Bucky’s voice is quiet, whether it’s from emotions or the state he is in even Bucky doesn’t know. “What do you want from me? What else can I do to get this through to you? Why do you and Stark keep caring for me? I’ve proved over and over again that I’m a liability. My past, God, everyone in the tower is scared of me and rightfully so. Everytime I close my eyes I’m haunted by such awful things. Awful things that I did. And I know I can’t take them back but I can’t make them better either. I don’t want to be alive anymore, Steve. You need to let me go.”

”I can’t Buck. To find out you’re alive, just to lose you again…” Bucky opens his eyes to give Steve a sad smile.

”I can’t do this anymore.” Bucky’s voice is lighter, finally free of the words he has been trying to avoid for so long. Steve knows that it’s time to put Bucky’s needs above his own.

\----------

”Are you sure about this Buck?” Steve is nervously wringing his hands looking at the setup in front of him. Bucky nods. This was a good compromise for all of them.

”Barnes,” Stark calls, “it’s all ready for you. Are you sure this is what you want? It’s not exactly private.” The room is full with old coworkers and enemies alike. As well as the few press that wanted to cover this and was allowed access.

”Yes. I’m sure.” With that Bucky takes a deep breath and sees his newest cryo chamber designed by Stark with inputs from himself. It’s positioned in a lower level of the Triskelion where S.H.I.E.L.D. keeps historically important cases and files. With the addition of Bucky, the case on The Winter Soldier Project will forever be closed.

There’s an unsettling hush as Bucky walks towards the case that will serve as his coffin, even if he is not technically dead. Bucky shakes Tony’s hand and mouths a thank you, all Tony can muster is a small nod back. Next in line is Director Fury who has Bucky sign a document basically stating that this is all of his own free will and that he does not want to be thawed under any circumstances. After a few doctors and therapists the last person he has to face is Steve.

Steve is already crying by the time Bucky gets to him. Steve extends his hand for Bucky, but Bucky grabs Steve’s hand and pulls him in for a hug.

”To the end of the line, Buck. I’m with you to the end of the line.” Steve whispers into Bucky’s ear. A final gesture that lets Bucky know that ultimately Steve wants to do what’s best for Bucky. No matter the cost Steve has to pay.

”This is my stop, Steve.” Bucky’s voice cracks. There’s no coming back from this.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi this was sad I'm sorry.  
> Endgame has me feeling some sort of way.  
> National Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255  
> This work is a terrible example of how to deal with mental health. Please reach out to someone you trust.


End file.
